its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
