Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize