I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
