oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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