Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
