I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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