Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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