We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
