Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
