I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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