I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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