Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
