so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
