remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
