i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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