I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
