Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize