So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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