Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
