I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
