you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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