Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
