Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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