Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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