ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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