Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
