Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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