well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
