Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
