he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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