Pappa wants mamma naked
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
