Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
