So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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