sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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