I seem to have left my pride at pride
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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