I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
how do flat chested girls get laid?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Green mimosas i think yes
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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