her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
