they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
