Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
