life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
