I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How does one acquire holy water?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
