fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
