It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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