Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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