She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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