guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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