So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
