i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
