I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
