Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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