You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
