I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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