Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
