Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
