I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
