he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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