Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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